Battle Chasing

Calling. What is a calling, really? What is my calling? These are questions I have asked myself repeatedly over the last year. The 21st century mom is so much more than the June Cleaver cut-out. The moment that pregnancy test shines positive the questions begin. Do you work? Daycare? Nanny? Do you stay at home?  Part-time hours or full-time hours? The answer was easy for me. "Oh, I'm headed back to work. No questions asked." (I was very fortunate to have just shy of six months of maternity leave with my little babe.)

However, life comes at you fast. Little did we know that Brady was in for a long road of testing and physical therapy due to his Hyperthyroid Myopathy. Our little boy is beautifully made in God's image. The schedule that we got dealt...not so much. Twice a week I would make the 40 minute commute from work to daycare to then commute another hour to the only PT office that accepts our insurance. There I sat for another hour. Waiting. Then I would battle rush hour traffic for the hour commute back home. By the time we got home it was usually 6:30/7:00. We would eat, take a bath, read books, and then bed. On top of that we would have to see a neurologist 45 minutes away every few weeks for blood testing, as well as monthly weight checks at the pediatrician's office. I am not trying to be a 'Negative Nancy', but I think it is fair to say I. Was. Exhausted. 

By last spring I was nearing a breaking point. I felt so out of control. I knew we had to make a change beyond just the summer break I was going to get as a teacher. I headed back to Charleston for Easter and met up with one of my oldest friends. She began to tell me all about her music business that was quickly taking over the Charleston area. In just a year she went from starving artist to a full blown CEO. No joke. I had a similar skill set to her and knew I could do it if I had the right encouragement and training. 

However, with this great idea came one really tough decision that needed to be made. Do I leave the classroom? I have poured everything I have into my school. I love it there. Some of my best friends and mentors are there. Can I make that move? What is my calling? And so the internal battle began. I ran from the battle for a long time. I would make flippant decisions one day and then change my mind the next. There was no direction and most definitely no peace. That is when I realized I had some serious soul searching. I began to study Psalm 1 and found my answer. Spiritual obedience became my mantra. Being obedient to God's word is where I will prosper the most. 

I finally chased after my internal battle and began to wrestle with it. What is my calling? First and foremost in our house my calling is to be a wife. Brian is always numero uno no matter what. Brady is my next priority. Lastly comes the career. Were Brian and Brady trumping my career? Sometimes? Maybe? I couldn't tell. Everything was so out of sorts during that time. That gave me my answer.  They weren't. I was spreading myself too thin. If Brady didn't need me as much, then working full-time in the classroom would have been fine. But that just wasn't the case. Once I came to that conclusion it was abundantly clear. I had to step away from the classroom. It was and still is one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I yearned to be a teacher and to continue working outside the home. So with the help of my sweet friend I began to set up shop, teaching music. I received a couple new students this summer. It was a small taste of what our family could have in terms of us all getting what we needed emotionally. 

 So I did it. I went up to school and resigned my position as a fifth grade teacher. I cried bawled like a baby on the drive home. I prayed HARD that night for confirmation that I had done the right thing. Thankfully it came quickly, because Lord knows I am the most impatient person. By the weekend I had booked 16 new students and it hasn't stopped since. I was able to cap my teaching to two and half days of work and am actually making the same moolah I was as a teacher. (NC better step up their game. Just sayin'.)

I have been fighting this battle of calling for five long months now.  I am always called to be the best wife and mama I can be. And as the smoke settles on this season's battlefield I enter a new season of life. One that will teach me to be trusting, patient, and forever grateful for the gifts and blessings I have received.